this post is bordering on the very personal side but im sick of being careful - besides my stories are all in vague terms so unless you really know me, you wouldn't understand! (i hope)
today i finally resolved to 'give up' on a certain...lets call it something. this 'thing' has made me stress over what i now realise to be a stupid dilemma, every friday afternoon: do i sit alone? or do i sit with friends whom i rarely get the chance to meet?
why? because some'thing' might happen. and you all know it rarely ever does.
today i made the obvious decision to sit with friends, but today i didn't feel that pang of regret or (as i now see it) desperation.
anyways as it always happens, something sat with a someone else - do you catch my drift? - and they had a wonderfully chatty conversation.
it flowed on from graduations to formals to friends in common...and none of it was related to any of my experiences.. (ok this was a hefty amount of eavesdropping, but my only other option would've been maths which, in an overcaffinated state, was not possible). They had so many things in common which did sting me a little, but as my mind processed this whole thing at a million miles a second, i realised i couldn't care less, kind of. i mean, if this happened two weeks ago, or last week even, i would've been pulling my hair out at this stage, but the whole graduation (being forced to leave so many things behind) thing has made me reflect on what i really want from personal relationships - and i know i just want them to be real i.e. one that isn't forced or pretentious. it seems like an obvious thing, but its taken me like 10 weeks to understand.
saying this both out loud and reafffirming it 'in' loud has been a HUGE relief, one like you could not believe. and yes, i still am a little curious about what couldv'e been, but now i find myself more interested in meeting the end of all of it.
concluding thoughts: If there is a friendship i think it would be good, but if there is nothing else except embarassing memories, i think that would be ok as well :P .
.
x
PS. i went to school today, to pay some overdue fees, and the realisation of our graduation began to sink in. its scary but the state of denial is kind of passing and i realise how sad i am to no longer be apart of such a great place... wow i never thought i'd be mourning my highschool life!
i think i'll miss all the security of being in a nerd-haven. even if it made me feel inadequate at times, its still the place where i met so many beautiful people, and so many memories and my gosh the cheesiness won't end- it really is the '08 legacy ! harharhar. |
